


i've got you

by transperalta



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Trans Character, Trans Jake Peralta, Trans Male Character, author is just venting, domestic peraltiago
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:54:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24936385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transperalta/pseuds/transperalta
Summary: it usually wasn't this bad.but today, out of all days, it was almost unbearable. like someone had twisted the volume all the way up, deafening him and making it pretty much impossible to focus on anything else.
Relationships: Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago
Comments: 6
Kudos: 97





	i've got you

**Author's Note:**

> this is really short and it's pretty much just a vent, sorry about that. hope it's still good though!   
> i recognise that some of readers probably won't relate to this, but ig i just needed to write it out. so don't mind me, just projecting again :)   
> also, like always, i didn't proofread. sorry.

tw // detailed description of gender dysphoria

it usually wasn't this bad.

no, it was usually more of a hum in the background, like a faint ringing in his ears that he eventually just got used to. you would too, if you had to listen to it for the last twenty four years of your life.

but today, out of all days, it was almost unbearable. like someone had twisted the volume all the way up, deafening him and making it pretty much impossible to focus on anything else.

and, as much as tried to deny it, he was not hiding it well.

his leg bounced up and down more than it already did, and he found himself switching between all the toys on his desk, unable to satisfy his need to move his hands with just one. plus, he'd been staring at this one page of paperwork for about half an hour now, and every time he made an attempt to read it, the words seemed to enter his brain and leave a second later. it was like they scattered off in different directions as they hit his eyes, meaningless letters bouncing around his head.

"j a k e"

his name. some days it carried power, freedom. today it made him feel weak.

"jake? are you good?"

amy's hand outstretched and landed on the file in front of him, drawing him out of his thoughts.

"uh, yeah. i'm totally good! never felt better, santiago. why'd you ask?"

yup, as soon as he started talking he regretted it. overcompensating was such a giveaway.

but she didn't push him.

"no reason. hey, i'll finish that paperwork for you if you get me a bagel from down the street. deal?"

jake wasn't one to give up an opportunity to avoid paperwork, so obviously he agreed. it didn't even occur to him that she didn't really want the bagel. no, it didn't cross his mind that she'd noticed how his eyes hadn't moved from the same word for a few minutes, or that he couldn't stop tapping his fingers no matter how hard he tried.

the working day went excruciatingly slow from then on. reading got no easier, and it turns out tapping on your desk for more than ten seconds tends to get on your coworkers' nerves.

despite how slow it seemed, jake found himself sat in the car next to his wife in no time. he could hardly even remember the events of the day, and when he tried to, they all seemed to merge together into one giant grey ball of nothingness. 

soon after that, he was sat on the couch, watching some trashy late-night show while the couple ate leftover takeout from the night before. 

then he was sat up in bed, while amy slept peacefully next to him. 

and all he could think about was how much it hurt. how he wished it would go away, and leave him alone, and how maybe if he didn't have to deal with it then his life would be so much easier.

how it made him so incredibly uncomfortable in his own skin, and how he knew that it would never get better no matter what he did. 

how sometimes it didn't even feel like his own skin anymore. 

he didn't register the tears running down his face, or the way his hands shook as he subconsciously reached for amy's hand. 

he only noticed when he felt her thumb graze against his cheek, and her lips pressed against his forehead as she held him close. her hand rubbed the nape of his neck and he leant into her soothing touch. 

and there they stayed, until she could feel his chest rising and falling to match the rate of hers, and he began to fall asleep. 

she lay him down gently, watching a content smile paint his face as he dreamt. 

she didn't know he was awake enough to hear her.

"i love you. all of you. and i know you may not see it every day, and sometimes it's really difficult to even love yourself, but i've got you. i've got enough love for the both of us."

those words played on repeat in his head till he fell asleep.

"i've got enough love for the both of us."


End file.
